the reason.

WARNING: the following will be controversial. Keep in mind that this is MY story, and may not ring true for everyone. Please read with an open mind. Thank you.

I became a vegan during a period of recovery. While this decision did not come from a place of disordered eating, that lifestyle combined with years of starving threw my blood sugar for a loop (I believe). After 8 years of low-fat, high-carb, no building foods whatsoever, and a pretty major relapse, I felt pulled towards something different. I wanted to regain my health, but could not put on weight to save my life - literally! I was seeing a life coach at the time, and she was the first to gently encourage (rather than scare/force) me to introduce some animal foods back into my diet, namely bone broth. I was leery, but intrigued, as I had been feeling drawn to fish in particular for quite some time. Trust in my coach was also a huge factor, as she had been through the same struggles.

Fast-forward several months, and I have started eating some full-fat, high-quality dairy. Feeling much better.

Started eating salmon - we're onto something here!

Then one day - BISON. Yeah, now THAT'S the stuff!!!

At the same time I was going through my dietary journey, I was in school to become a Registered Holistic Nutritionist. This reinforced and confirmed my intuitions (and my coach's advice) that I needed

more saturated fat and protein. We learned that vegan diets are very cleansing, while animal foods are building, and that for someone like me (petite, naturally thin, prone to anxiety) in my situation (trying to rebuild my body after extreme illness), animal foods were KEY.

As a vegan, I CONSTANTLY craved sugar (I still have several vegan friends who would KILL for cupcakes, chocolate, donuts, cookies...oh, the irony!). During the first year or so of recovery from the relapse, allowing myself to eat as I please, I found myself waking up nearly every single night STARVING. I could not get food into me fast enough. Then it started happening during the day, too. Although I was eating more and more saturated fats and protein, my body was still out of whack. I found myself starting to feel out of control, bingeing on brownies and oatmeal and English muffins with nut butter...As someone who's always been skinny and had not struggled with binge eating, I was wondering what the heck was going on!!! I truly did not feel that I was eating emotionally, yet I felt insatiable beyond reason.

Then we read "Optimum Nutrition for the Mind" by Patrick Holford in class. He cited a study in which bulimics were allowed to binge as much as they liked for two weeks - just not on certain foods, namely those that were high in sugar and fat. Lo and behold, the incidence of bingeing was drastically reduced. The study concluded that a lot of bingeing is precipitated by low blood sugar; throw stress into the mix, and Houston, we have a problem.

This was my "aha!" moment.

I began to feel stronger and more grounded the longer I went eating animal products. This, combined with the guidance of my life coach, enabled me to better trust my body and honor its wisdom. I found that I just function better with more protein (due to being Type 0 blood...?) and fat, and less carbohydrates. Yes, I put on weight, but I feel like this new way of eating simply brought my body to where it wanted to be naturally, as opposed to the forced weight gain I had endured in the hospital.

It took a while, but my blood sugar eventually balanced out. And here I am, nearly two years into recovery, at a healthy weight, no longer waking up at night with mad cravings for sugar and carbs, feeling less anxious and actually DOING something with my life. For that, I shamelessly offer thanks to the animals.

But be still, vegan hearts - that's not to say that I'm a raging carnivore. I feel good eating meat and dairy, but I do so with utmost reverence for the being that gave its life for me, so that I may live more fully. We are all living creatures, and as one of my teachers says (paraphrased): just eat it and bless it. Love your food and it will love you back.

So.

All that said, I am not in any way telling herbivores to change their ways and go back to the "dark" side. I am simply encouraging everyone to continually re-examine their beliefs to determine whether or not they still ring true. My lifestyle (dietary and otherwise) may not be everyone's cup of tea. It works for me right now, and who knows, that may change. Find what works for YOU, personally, then explore it and love it and accept it, and the truth will shine through.

Promise.

to be nourished

Winter is the time to nourish and be nourished - not that one needs an excuse to do/be so!

It's cold, damp, rainy/snowy (in the case of Vancouver, anyway); people are drawn to each other for warmth and comfort; food is coming from underground (a place of stored energy) rather than above (where it receives life from the sun); and our bodies want to build, to put on extra fat for protection and insulation (see?! It's not all those holiday treats that are making you gain weight! Or something...).

This weather calls for soup, stew, hot chocolate, bear hugs, real wood fires, ice skates and mittens and toques (eh?). Love in all its many splendid forms.

Funny how we fight it though...or is it just me? I force myself to go out for a run in the pouring rain and dark of the early morning, and beat myself up when it snows and it's "too slippery" to go (which it really is, despite my insistence of the contrary). I eat raw vegetables because they're "good for me," even though they make my stomach hurt in this cooler weather. Hot food scares me because it's "too satisfying." I set my alarm for 5am even though it looks and feels like midnight outside at that time, and won't allow myself to sleep in.

What's with that?!

I feel weak for wanting comfort in any form, be it food, physical touch, warmth, sleep...DENY DENY DENY!!! Whereas if I just accepted the desire for love - which is the root form of comfort, ultimately - I'd 1)need a whole lot less of it to satisfy, 2)stop dreaming about it, 3) stop seeking it, and 4)stop denying that I'm seeking it while continuing to do so!

It's like a diet: "don't eat this, don't eat that," when all it does is make you crave this or that!

You know that phrase, "letting yourself go," a.k.a. gaining weight, not dying your hair, not putting on makeup every day, etc.? Break it down word by word:

Letting. Yourself. Go.

Shouldn't that mean FREEDOM?

This is what I propose: use the holiday to "let yourself go." Eat chocolate, sleep in, hug a stranger...and don't feel bad about it! Guaranteed, you'll actually eat less, get up at a decent hour, and not seek love in bad habits. Because you won't be denying yourself, you won't want them so much!

Dare ya. I'll do it if you do it.

Ready? GO.

about balance...

"It's not because I don't believe in things like good nutrition, limiting media in a child's early years, or reducing one's dependence on petroleum. But instead of being confined, rigid, and always right, I'd rather be balanced, welcoming, and kind. I'd rather be open than restricted, so nobody needs to apologize in my presence. I can hold certain ideals, and occasionally fail gleefully. The best I can do is to do a bit better. And I've found that I have to be gentle with myself to support other people.

How about you?"

http://www.chicken-tender.com/2010/09/un-discipline.html

there's more to health than just food

Say WHAAAA?!?!

http://meghantelpnerblog.com/2010/08/01/healthy-state-of-mind-more-to-health-than-just-food/

The Blogging Cult

Is this the new "pro-ana" movement?

http://wearingmascara.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/marie-claire-article-the-hunger-diaries1.pdf

new beginnings, no regrets.

Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and go with your gut. Even if you have no idea what the next step is, even if you risk losing a sense of security, even if you don't know why you're doing it in the first place - some things just feel right, and it's futile trying to intellectualize your way out of it.

Case in point: I quit my job today. Okay, so it's just Starbucks, but still, it was my source of income. I went in today with no intention of quitting, but I hit my breaking point about halfway through my shift. There was no mental breakdown, no bawling in the bathroom, no ripping off of the apron and storming out. Just a quiet, internal shift and a clear sense of discord with the whole situation. (It had been creeping in for a while.) So I politely informed the shift supervisor I was leaving, and that was that. And I have no regrets.

While I don't know what the future will bring, I'm okay with it because I have intention: I know what I want to do with my life (nutritional consulting and/or life coaching for the mentally ill, particularly those with eating disorders), and I'm going to pursue it with all my heart. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that if you really want something and you do the work to get it, it'll happen. Maybe not in the way you envisioned, but that's okay because the point is to learn from it and use it as a tool on your path (which never really ends, by the way).

And I am learning - boy, am I learning! But more importantly, I'm having fun! I'm making glorious messes (yes, this is a good thing)! As I reflect on this past year, I can't believe how much has changed, how much I've grown, what I've managed to accomplish. A year ago, I was nearly dead. Now? I'm living, really living, in all senses of the word.

I highly recommend it :).

believe.

Found this on http://teaandcookies.blogspot.com/:

BELIEVE

Maybe the camera crew is at someone else’s house, a spotlight haloing over another’s fleshy story. Maybe the mailman is delivering the good news to your neighbor, or a different city entirely,and you come home to a rash of catalogues, the second notice for a doctor’s bill, a plea from the do-gooders for whatever you can spare.

Maybe you haven’t cleaned your kitchen floor in weeks, forgotten to nourish the front garden, spilled too much coffee in your car, weaving through traffic.

Maybe you are 10 pounds heavier than last year.

Maybe your skin is betraying your age.

Maybe winter is ravaging your heart.

Maybe you are afraid, or lonely, or furious, or wanting out of every commitment you entered with vigor and trust.

Maybe you’ve bitten your nails down to the quick, chosen your meals badly, ignored the advice of those who know you best.

Maybe you are stubborn as a toddler.

Maybe you are clumsy or foolish or hasty or reckless.

Maybe you haven’t read all the books you’re supposed to.

Maybe your handwriting is still illegible after all these years.

Maybe you spent too much on a pair of shoes you didn’t need.

Maybe you left the window open and the rain ruined the cake.

Maybe you’ve destroyed everything you wanted to save.

Still.

If anything, believe in your own strange loveliness. How your body, even as it stumbles, angles for light.

The way you hold a dandelion with such yearning and tenderness, the whole world stops spinning.

—Maya Stein